In the Chapel of St. Raphael at St. John Vianney College Seminary, there is mural on the wall directly behind the sanctuary that illustrates the missionary activity of the Catholic Church. The mural quotes Sacred Scripture by stating: “Go ye into all the world and preach the Gospel to every creature.” In the midst of the contemporary piece of art completed by Gabriel Loire, those who enter the chapel are reminded of their baptismal call of bringing the salvific message of Jesus Christ to the entire world.

Over the last several months of seminary formation, the mural in the seminary’s chapel has been speaking to me more and more each day. As many of you have read in my blog posts over the last couple of years, the discernment of the priesthood of Jesus Christ is not easy.

The Church asks a lot of someone who is in the discernment process of becoming a priest. We are asked to take a look at the deepest recesses of our hearts and examine who we are at our inner most cores. That journey can be very painful at times because all of us begin to open wounds and hurts that we have experienced throughout our lives. When we recall those events, we are asked to bring them to spiritual direction to find healing. Over the past couple of years, as I have taken this inward journey, I have begun to discover who I am and what the Lord is asking me to do with my life.

Since returning to the seminary in late-August, I continued to take this inward journey to try to discover where the Lord is leading me in my life. As I began the year, something was amiss with me and I was not quite sure what that something entailed. The slightest little thing began to upset me and I had to take a look at why that was happening. I began to wake up every morning dreading the day, not wanting to do anything. However, I simply knew I had to get up and get going. A phrase my Uncle David used to say came to mind: “You gots to do what ya gots to do.” However, because I was experiencing this immense unhappiness, I did make the decision to take it to spiritual direction.

During my direction sessions, as my spiritual director and I began to discuss why I was miserable, I began to really wonder if priesthood was where the Lord was calling me. Shortly after all these things began emerging, my prayer changed into, “Lord, what do you wish me to do with my life?” Over the next few months, I began to see that the Lord was possibly changing my path.

Throughout my times in prayer, the desire for a family began to re-emerge. As many of my closest friends know, the reason I was hesitant to enter the seminary was because I so profoundly desired to have a family of my own. I took this to spiritual direction as well. As the conversation continued to deepen, I also recalled my first passion in life—law enforcement.

My spiritual director initially told me that, at times in our lives as we seek to follow the Lord more closely, our previous desires begin to re-emerge and make us question whether we want to continue in the path on which we are currently embarking. However, this is usually just a trick that the evil spirit plays on us to make us swerve from our true path in life. Nonetheless, he asked me to continue praying about what the Lord was asking me to do.

At that point, I began praying to the Blessed Mother, asking for her assistance in helping me to know her Son more intimately and understand what He was asking me to do with my life. As Christmas Break began, my prayer changed yet again: “Blessed Mother, help me to know your son; allow me to grow in a relationship with him; teach me how to pray; grant me understanding in knowing what God is asking me to do with my life. Blessed Mother, be my star; guide me along the rough waters of life and illuminate my path.”

Throughout the Christmas recess, I spent some time focusing on the things I had experienced throughout the first semester of this academic year. As the dust began to settle more and more, I began to realize that the Lord was calling me to leave the seminary and pursue some other kind of service. Initially, I was unsure as to what that meant.

During the end of the first week on break, I served a funeral for an Orange County Deputy Sheriff who had recently died of cancer. Because the Cathedral of St. James was undergoing renovations, the funeral was moved to St. Charles. Throughout the days before the funeral, I was remembering how I wanted to be a police officer before entering seminary and I began wondering if this was what the Lord was calling me to do. During the funeral, I experienced the brotherhood of the law enforcement community in a very powerful way, which allowed me to really see that maybe this was the path the Lord was calling me to take in my life.

On New Years Eve, I was sitting in front of the Blessed Sacrament at St. Charles and I prayed the prayer that I had been praying for the last several months: “Lord, what do you wish me to do with my life? Am I called to be a priest or am I called to serve your people in some other capacity?” Then it hit me and I knew. I knew the Lord was asking me to leave the seminary, take what I had learned, and go out to serve the people. I was immediately reminded of the scripture passage on the mural in the Chapel of St. Raphael: “Go ye into all the world and preach the Gospel to all creatures.”

When I got back to seminary a few days later, I took my experiences to my spiritual director who told me to begin listening to the voice of the church to see if the Lord speaks through them as well. Throughout the following weeks, I did exactly that; I listened to the priests’ homilies more intently, I paid particular attention to what my professors were saying, and I began talking to a couple of my brother seminarians. When the seminary community began our January Day of Recollection, I took all of these experiences to the silent retreat and really focused on them. I again asked the Blessed Mother to be my star, illuminating my discernment.

The next meeting with my spiritual director was the best spiritual direction session I had ever encountered. At that point, my spiritual director also began to see that the Lord was calling me to something else. Since January, my spiritual director and I have been discussing what was next in my life and he helped me arrive at a decision, which is to leave the seminary at this time to pursue serving God’s people as a police officer. However, there are many steps that need to be taken before I explore this next part of my journey.

I have set goals for the next couple of years that I must complete before even thinking about entering the police academy. My first and most important goal is obtaining a degree in Public Administration from the University of Central Florida. The next is getting in shape, which I am going to have to work on over the next several months. I also would like to begin working at the Sheriff’s Office so that I can learn the ropes of the organization and begin to better understand the law enforcement community.

As I begin the process of discernment outside the seminary, I know that the Lord is going to be walking with me more than ever. I will take with me the love that I have experienced from the Lord through the many people who have been instrumental in my life. I will take with me the knowledge and understanding that things happen in the Lord’s time, not mine. And, most of all, I take with me the faith to put all my trust and hope in the Lord, knowing that He will lead me where He pleases.

I thank all of you: the members of my family; Archbishop-Designate Wenski, Fr. Miguel, Fr. Michael, Fr. Joseph, Fr. Tom, Fr. Augustine and all of the priests who have been instrumental in my discernment; my brother seminarians who have walked this journey with me; my closest friends who have supported me over the years; and all of those who have offered financial assistance and prayers for your unceasing support over the last couple of years as I discerned the priesthood of Jesus Christ. As I begin this next portion of my journey, I also begin discerning the Permanent Diaconate. Seminary has illustrated to me that I am being called to serve the Church in a special way, by offering myself for the benefit of others. I ask that you all please continue to keep me in your prayers. Please be assured of my prayers for you.

Pax.